[ale] a Christmas story

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Thank you for that story.  I laughed so hard I think I scared my cat.

James P. Kinney III wrote:
> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
> out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.  This won first prize.
>
> Christmas With Louise
>
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
> before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
> they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
> Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
> pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and
> went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things at
> Wal-Mart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll only confuse
> yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?
> You're kidding me!  Who would buy that?"  Finally, I made it to the
> inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
> a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love Dolls come in many different
> models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
> things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I settled for Lovable
> Louise.  She was at the bottom of the price scale.  To call Louise a doll
> took a huge leap of imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
> life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
> hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
> with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies and drank
> what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled
> for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
> and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
> confused.   She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
> more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
> family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
> dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
> hell is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
>
> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the
> dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless.  "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas and no one
> wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang
> on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
> said,  "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
>
> I told him she was Jay's friend.  
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
> just talking, but actually flirting.  It was then that we realized this
> might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
> was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
> my father in the bathroom in the morning.  Then she lurched from the
> pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
> sofa.
>
> The cat screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
> across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
> resuscitation.  My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
> the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had suffered from
> a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
> perfect health.
>   
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>
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